Recovering after Betrayal

Description

Course content

27 PDF

Recovering after betrayal Journal (69 pages)

50 Relationship cards

Wellness Planner (100 pages)

Healing Separation Agreement

Healing Separation Explanation

5 Attunements – see end for full description

 

I have written his course specifically to help people cope when they find out their spouse has betrayed them. At the time that it happened to me I wish that there was some kind of help out there, apart from going to a therapist, which I opted not to do. If I have one piece of advice, if the other person does not want to make a go of the marriage, as hard as it may seem, it is time to walk away – otherwise you will spend countless hours, days and months and energy chasing something that is not going to happen, giving yourself more heartache in the process. Looking back after 19 years, it was actually the best thing that happened, yet at the time it did not seem like it. When you have built a life with someone, invested your time into a marriage – and the rug is pulled out from underneath you, it feels like your world is crashing down – whereas there might be some golden nuggets and silver linings actually waiting to be discovered, which unfortunately during the grief of the experience might not be immediately noticeable.

Let’s look at the definition of betrayal so we can understand why it hurts so much.

Webster’s definition: To hurt (someone who trusts you, such as a friend or relative) by not giving help or by doing something morally wrong.

“The saddest thing about betrayal is that it never comes from your enemies.” ~Unknown

By definition, when someone commits an act of betrayal, we are going to experience emotional pain. Our world is going to turn upside down, we have to grieve the loss of our interpretation of who the betrayer was, understand the more realistic interpretation of who the betrayer is based on his/her actions, forgive ourselves for whatever we blame ourselves for, heal and move forward.

“Forgive yourself for the blindness that let others betray you. Sometimes a good heart doesn’t see the bad.” ~Unknown

Although the aftermath of a breakup may initially feel devastating, it can also present a valuable opportunity for transformative personal growth. Despite the intense pain that accompanies heartache, this period can be incredibly fruitful and conducive to achieving one’s aspirations. Rather than passively waiting for life to improve, a breakup can actually serve as a catalyst for positive change and self-empowerment. By taking control of your life during this liberating time, you can make significant strides towards realizing your dreams.

During the post-breakup period, you have three options. The first is to spend all kinds of time, futile effort and tears trying to win back your ex.

The second is to try to go on as if nothing has happened and continue down the same path that led you into yet another unsuccessful relationship.

The third option is to heal properly, look at what has happened and learn new ways to put together a healthy and whole life. Not only will this make you happier, but it will also give you the best chance to find true love with a person who is good for you and to you. Although the last option is infinitely more attractive and assures sustained long-term happiness, most people choose the first, and when that doesn’t work, the second. Why? Because they have no idea how to do the third – to take charge of their lives.

Over the years I have met many clients and students who want meaningful change in their lives after a breakup but don’t know how to make it happen. Our trust in others erodes if we don’t process the reality of betrayal and work through its painful impressions. And who hasn’t been betrayed? After one partner is unfaithful, we just cannot imagine our next love interest remaining loyal. If our best friend deceives us, we begin to think all friends are capable of this sinister act.

Betrayal leaves us at a fork in the road. We can choose to act in ways that either favor or impede personal growth: we can become stuck in a bad moment forever or we can put it behind us for good. We decide our path.

After being betrayed, most of us want to wound the person who hurt us – as deeply and as excruciatingly as we have been wounded, and we want to rise above the situation and offer that person forgiveness. But neither of these tactics seem to work. Wounding words tend to boomerang and make you feel as terrible as the person you wanted to hurt. Forgiveness, especially if halfhearted, tends to come off as condescension.

There are actions though that you can take to heal yourself. Every hurt has its own story and so does every healing. But I can say this: You can heal yourself when you have filled the hole left behind by a betrayal, and you can heal the other person when you sincerely drop the need for revenge.

Remember, the only betrayals that inflict damage are the ones where an intimate bond has been torn. Love makes you merge with another person, able to feel their emotions as keenly as you feel your own. If you have experienced such bonding, you know that it is a kind of higher reality – and when that bond is ripped apart, it is as if you have lost half of yourself

So how can you get out of torment and find yourself again?

That is what this course is about, giving you the tools to get over the hurt, finding yourself again and stepping forward with courage and clarity.

Module 1

Introduction

Module 2

When trust shatters

Module 3

Betrayal is not just about infidelity

Acknowledge your actions

Be honest

Address the questions

Listen to their feelings

Be patient

Take responsibility for your actions

Stay focused on your intention

The prevention myth

Module 4

Psychological effects of betrayal

Shock

Anger

Grief

Isolation

Sadness/Depression

Module 5

Things we would like to do

Gain some detachment

Don’t indulge in emotions you cannot afford

Make a plan for emotional recovery

Feel the hole inside and grieve over it

Seek a confidant

Work toward a tomorrow that will be better than yesterday

Counter self-pity by being of service to someone else

Stay true to yourself

Module 6

Betrayal trauma

Signs and symptoms of betrayal trauma

Shock and disbelief

Anger and resentment

Emotional numbness

Fear and anxiety

Depression and sadness

Difficulty sleeping

Difficulty concentrating

Avoidance behavior

Hypervigilance

Physical symptoms

Acknowledge your emotions

Seek support

Set boundaries

Practice self-care

Consider forgiveness

Module 7

Grief and betrayal

What is the process of grief?

Denial stage of grief

The anger stage of grief

What should you expect with grief when betrayed?

Grief

Shock

Venting emotions

Write grief letters

Sadness

Acceptance

Module 8

Different types of affairs

Seven types of affairs you did not know about

A sexual affair – the classical cheating

An emotional affair – cheating without physical intimacy

The digital affair – the perils of technology

The one-night stand affair – the opportunist

The distraction affair – being emotionally unavailable

The ‘double life’ affair – longing for something outside the marriage

The serial affair – the sex addict

Module 9

Dealing with betrayal after death

Module 10

Patterns of betrayal

You give of yourself to someone in some way

At some point the betrayer wants something that isn’t theirs

The betrayer has to give himself/herself permission to make this bad choice

The betrayer begins to fantasize, to make plans in their mind and to think about the betrayal

The betrayer begins, usually slowly and subtly, to engage in the betrayal, dabbling at first

The betrayer begins to hide

The betrayer will talk a smooth line and will gain support of whomever they can

The betrayer then usually becomes brazen in how they lie

The betrayer becomes fully immersed in the affair (betrayal) fog

Many betrayers come to grips with the fact that they have crossed the moral boundary

The betrayal is discovered/revealed

Module 11

What people want to know

12 Stages of what happens to us when we are betrayed

Deny the truth

Experience loss

Hurt like hell

Brew our anger

Lose our illusions

Forgive but not forget

Struggle to trust

Experience everything differently

Hold onto doubt

Live in sadness

Work to break the chain

Finally, claim acceptance

Claiming acceptance meditation

Module 12

Steps to recover from betrayal

Acknowledge the betrayal

Name your emotions

Don’t blame yourself

Spend some time apart

Grieve the loss of trust

Avoid the temptation to retaliate

Open up to someone you trust

Develop a game plan to overcome betrayal

Reflect upon things

Have a conversation with your partner

Try to forgive

Pull the plug

Be open to trusting again

Learn to trust yourself again

Take care of yourself

Conclusion

Module 13

Betrayed spouse cycle

There is no one response (or correct response) to infidelity

What is the betrayed spouse cycle?

What are the emotional effects of discovering betrayal?

What happens in the cycle?

Realization

Reaction

Shock

Anger

Confusion

Desire to fix

Relinquish

Letting go is an essential part of the healing process

Recover

Restoration

What is restoration after an affair?

How can you unify?

How does affection grow again?

What does restoration offer?

How to break the betrayed spouse cycle

Focus on expressing feelings honestly and openly

Rely on supportive friends or family members

Explore any potential underlying issues in the relationship that could have led to the affair

Engage in self-care activities

Create positive experiences together with your partner

Module 14

Myths and facts about betrayal

Unhappy marriages lead to cheating

Affairs are based on sexual attraction

An attentive partner can find cues

Cheating decreases relationship sex

People cheat when they don’t get enough ….

Cheaters treat their partner poorly

Men cheat more than women

Cheating happens mostly when drunk/high

It is not an affair without sex

Talking about the affair makes it worse

The cheater prefers the affair partner

Compatibility is higher with the affair partner

Betrayals are not such a big thing: The cheated should get over it

Cheating is commonplace/rare

Module 15

Managing anger and resentment

Strategies for managing anger and resentment

Allow yourself to feel the emotions

Seek support

Practice self-care

Communicate your feelings

Practice forgiveness

Set boundaries

Forgiveness as a tool for managing anger and resentment

Acknowledge your emotions

Take responsibility for your own healing

Communicate with your spouse

Practice empathy

Set boundaries

Seek outside support

Module 16

Knowing when to walk away

Your partner will not apologize for their indiscretion

Your partner feels that one apology should fix the problem

Your partner refuses to get counseling or discuss what has happened

You have no desire to put in the work or try to work things out

People that you value most in your life are encouraging you to walk away

The unfaithful partner is still communicating with the person they cheated with and lying about doing so

You are trying to work it out for reasons other than love or the relationship

How to overcome infidelity in relationships

Module 17

Things to do if you decide to walk away

Seek support

Practice self-care

Set boundaries

Forgive yourself

Take time to heal

Identify your emotions

Practice mindfulness

Seek professional help

Take responsibility

Rebuild your self-esteem

Set realistic expectations

Practice forgiveness

Build a support network

Take care of your physical health

Focus on personal growth

Find ways to relieve stress

Practice gratitude

Take it one day at a time

Remember that you are not alone

Module 18

Building self-esteem after betrayal

Accept your feelings

Seek support

Avoid blame

Take responsibility for your healing

Set boundaries

Practice self-care

Focus on your strengths

Challenge negative self-talk

Explore your values

Practice forgiveness

Seek professional help

Surround yourself with positivity

Engage in hobbies

Take risks

Practice gratitude

Learn from the experience

Connect with others

Prioritize self-compassion

Focus on the present

Celebrate progress

Module 19

Respect your needs

Respecting yourself and your choices

Respect your recovering work

Respect your Spiritual work

Respect your emotional needs

Respect your physical well-being

Respect your choices

Module 20

Finding your voice

Connect with yourself

Identify your needs

Practice expressing yourself

Use “I” statements

Set boundaries

Seek support

Module 21

How long does it take to heal a broken heart?

Don’t push yourself

Feel the full range of your emotions

Don’t wallow in negative feelings

Give yourself time

Release your emotions

Love is limitless

There is no time limit on grief

Scars from your past experiences

Forgive your ex

Take responsibility for your mistakes and forgive yourself

If you never learn, you are doomed to repeat the same experience again

Module 22

Using pain to heal

Exercise: Find the healing message in your pain

Exercise: Find the meaning of your pain

Effort to improve

Summary

Module 23

How journaling eases heartbreak

Self-reflection

Forgiveness

Setting boundaries

Module 24

Rejection

It is not necessarily about you

Relationships are assignments

Change the ending

Remember, you are still whole

Focus on gratitude

Module 25

Selfishness in a marriage

Signs that indicate that there is selfishness in a marriage

Choices

Feelings

Career

Consequences of selfishness in a marriage

Pushes the partner away

Makes the partner feel inferior

Disrupts the balance of marriage life

Getting rid of selfishness in marriage

Make decisions together

Do not make everything about yourself

Create a work-life balance

Module 26

Relationship communication problems

Module 27

A healing separation

What is a healing separation?

Establishing a healing separation

Clarify the purpose of your healing separation

Establish guidelines to your healing separation

Time frame

Legal advice

Extra-marital relationships

Professional counselling

Sexual intimacy

Communication rules

Enjoyable time together

Living arrangements

Children

Finances

There is still hope for your marriage

Will a healing separation work?

How will you know when it is time to reunite?

Extras: Healing Separation Agreement and explanation

Attunements

 

Angry Words Flush – Value $13 / R235

 

By Stephanie Brail

The Angry Words Flush is a very simple tool to use for yourself or clients after experiencing a fight or any sort of heavy criticism. It can also be used to clear out negative mental patterns and self-talk that may have developed after hearing angry words during childhood or at any time in the past. It can additionally help you forgive yourself for any angry words you may have spoken to another.

Even though you may work hard on your spirituality, you are only human and therefore may have moments where you engage in fights with the people you love. And of course, your clients may come to you wanting some comfort after a falling out with a friend or loved one. This energy can be extremely helpful in these situations.

 

Calming Flush – Value $6 / R116

 

By Joanna Gawn

Calming Flush has been channeled with the following intentions for all who receive either the attunement and/or the healing session (“Flush”)

~ To soothe and dissolve feelings of panic and overwhelm
~ To provide an immediate and sustained feeling of peace; for the recipient to feel calm, centered, and grounded
~ To instill feelings of confidence and positivity about oneself and one’s circumstances
~ To feel connected to Universal Energy (Source)
~ To feel supported and guided by Universal Energy (Source)
~ To provide healing of the root cause of feelings of panic, overwhelm, lost confidence, etc., at whatever pace is best for the recipient of the Attunement or Flush

Forgiveness Flush – Value $6 / R116

Forgiveness is a decision to let go of resentments and thoughts of revenge. The act that hurt or offended you might always remain a part of your life, but through self-forgiveness and the forgiveness of others this can lessen its grip on you and help you focus on other, more positive aspects of your life.

The Forgiveness Flush Empowerment on its own can help with this but it is recommended that you receive the attunements to the Acceptance Flush Empowerment and the Karmic Flush Empowerment as well which will greatly aid you in accepting these past hurts and karmic bonds, embracing them as being part of who you are so it is hoped that you can finally release them back into the universal consciousness to be transmuted into light which will bring true forgiveness back into your life.

 

Heartache Healer 1 – 3 – Value $55 / R989

By Mariah Windsong Couture

Heartache Healer is an energy system comprised of 3 Levels After you receive your attunements it is recommended that you activate the energies and participate consciously with a guided meditation to enhance benefits Heartache Healer energy system ‘s attunement provides you the permission and authority to call upon and activate all of the energies associated with this energy system After your attunement with strong intention to receive these energies they will arrive to you in a similar way that Reiki or other Divine energy streams do.

New Love, Light and Hope Reiki – Value $21 / R378

The energies of New Love, Light and Hope Reiki enable us to apply Divine Grace, Love, and Forgiveness to heal these aspects of ourselves that are wounded so that we can experience New Love, Light and Hope.

The energies of this system break through boundaries that block us from fully basking in the Sunlight of the Spirit.

The energies of New Love, Light and Hope Reiki helps us to forgive, let go, trust, have compassion and unconditional love for self and others. It helps to open the heart again. It brings in the powerful energy of Love for “Love Heals All Things.”

After regular use of this energy the capacity for compassion, understanding, generosity, considerateness, sensitivity, empathy, and unconditional love for self and others will greatly be enhanced and magnified.