Recovering after Betrayal
Recovering after betrayal Journal (69 pages)
50 Relationship cards
Wellness Planner (100 pages)
Healing Separation Agreement
Healing Separation Explanation
5 Attunements – see end for full description
I have written his course specifically to help people cope when they find out their spouse has betrayed them. At the time that it happened to me I wish that there was some kind of help out there, apart from going to a therapist, which I opted not to do. If I have one piece of advice, if the other person does not want to make a go of the marriage, as hard as it may seem, it is time to walk away – otherwise you will spend countless hours, days and months and energy chasing something that is not going to happen, giving yourself more heartache in the process. Looking back after 19 years, it was actually the best thing that happened, yet at the time it did not seem like it. When you have built a life with someone, invested your time into a marriage – and the rug is pulled out from underneath you, it feels like your world is crashing down – whereas there might be some golden nuggets and silver linings actually waiting to be discovered, which unfortunately during the grief of the experience might not be immediately noticeable.
Let’s look at the definition of betrayal so we can understand why it hurts so much.
Webster’s definition: To hurt (someone who trusts you, such as a friend or relative) by not giving help or by doing something morally wrong.
“The saddest thing about betrayal is that it never comes from your enemies.” ~Unknown
By definition, when someone commits an act of betrayal, we are going to experience emotional pain. Our world is going to turn upside down, we have to grieve the loss of our interpretation of who the betrayer was, understand the more realistic interpretation of who the betrayer is based on his/her actions, forgive ourselves for whatever we blame ourselves for, heal and move forward.
“Forgive yourself for the blindness that let others betray you. Sometimes a good heart doesn’t see the bad.” ~Unknown
Although the aftermath of a breakup may initially feel devastating, it can also present a valuable opportunity for transformative personal growth. Despite the intense pain that accompanies heartache, this period can be incredibly fruitful and conducive to achieving one’s aspirations. Rather than passively waiting for life to improve, a breakup can actually serve as a catalyst for positive change and self-empowerment. By taking control of your life during this liberating time, you can make significant strides towards realizing your dreams.
During the post-breakup period, you have three options. The first is to spend all kinds of time, futile effort and tears trying to win back your ex.
The second is to try to go on as if nothing has happened and continue down the same path that led you into yet another unsuccessful relationship.
The third option is to heal properly, look at what has happened and learn new ways to put together a healthy and whole life. Not only will this make you happier, but it will also give you the best chance to find true love with a person who is good for you and to you. Although the last option is infinitely more attractive and assures sustained long-term happiness, most people choose the first, and when that doesn’t work, the second. Why? Because they have no idea how to do the third – to take charge of their lives.
Over the years I have met many clients and students who want meaningful change in their lives after a breakup but don’t know how to make it happen. Our trust in others erodes if we don’t process the reality of betrayal and work through its painful impressions. And who hasn’t been betrayed? After one partner is unfaithful, we just cannot imagine our next love interest remaining loyal. If our best friend deceives us, we begin to think all friends are capable of this sinister act.
Betrayal leaves us at a fork in the road. We can choose to act in ways that either favor or impede personal growth: we can become stuck in a bad moment forever or we can put it behind us for good. We decide our path.
After being betrayed, most of us want to wound the person who hurt us – as deeply and as excruciatingly as we have been wounded, and we want to rise above the situation and offer that person forgiveness. But neither of these tactics seem to work. Wounding words tend to boomerang and make you feel as terrible as the person you wanted to hurt. Forgiveness, especially if halfhearted, tends to come off as condescension.
There are actions though that you can take to heal yourself. Every hurt has its own story and so does every healing. But I can say this: You can heal yourself when you have filled the hole left behind by a betrayal, and you can heal the other person when you sincerely drop the need for revenge.
Remember, the only betrayals that inflict damage are the ones where an intimate bond has been torn. Love makes you merge with another person, able to feel their emotions as keenly as you feel your own. If you have experienced such bonding, you know that it is a kind of higher reality – and when that bond is ripped apart, it is as if you have lost half of yourself
So how can you get out of torment and find yourself again?
That is what this course is about, giving you the tools to get over the hurt, finding yourself again and stepping forward with courage and clarity.
When trust shatters
Betrayal is not just about infidelity
Acknowledge your actions
Address the questions
Listen to their feelings
Take responsibility for your actions
Stay focused on your intention
The prevention myth
Psychological effects of betrayal
Things we would like to do
Gain some detachment
Don’t indulge in emotions you cannot afford
Make a plan for emotional recovery
Feel the hole inside and grieve over it
Seek a confidant
Work toward a tomorrow that will be better than yesterday
Counter self-pity by being of service to someone else
Stay true to yourself
Signs and symptoms of betrayal trauma
Shock and disbelief
Anger and resentment
Fear and anxiety
Depression and sadness
Acknowledge your emotions
Grief and betrayal
What is the process of grief?
Denial stage of grief
The anger stage of grief
What should you expect with grief when betrayed?
Write grief letters
Different types of affairs
Seven types of affairs you did not know about
A sexual affair – the classical cheating
An emotional affair – cheating without physical intimacy
The digital affair – the perils of technology
The one-night stand affair – the opportunist
The distraction affair – being emotionally unavailable
The ‘double life’ affair – longing for something outside the marriage
The serial affair – the sex addict
Dealing with betrayal after death
Patterns of betrayal
You give of yourself to someone in some way
At some point the betrayer wants something that isn’t theirs
The betrayer has to give himself/herself permission to make this bad choice
The betrayer begins to fantasize, to make plans in their mind and to think about the betrayal
The betrayer begins, usually slowly and subtly, to engage in the betrayal, dabbling at first
The betrayer begins to hide
The betrayer will talk a smooth line and will gain support of whomever they can
The betrayer then usually becomes brazen in how they lie
The betrayer becomes fully immersed in the affair (betrayal) fog
Many betrayers come to grips with the fact that they have crossed the moral boundary
The betrayal is discovered/revealed
What people want to know
12 Stages of what happens to us when we are betrayed
Deny the truth
Hurt like hell
Brew our anger
Lose our illusions
Forgive but not forget
Struggle to trust
Experience everything differently
Hold onto doubt
Live in sadness
Work to break the chain
Finally, claim acceptance
Claiming acceptance meditation
Steps to recover from betrayal
Acknowledge the betrayal
Name your emotions
Don’t blame yourself
Spend some time apart
Grieve the loss of trust
Avoid the temptation to retaliate
Open up to someone you trust
Develop a game plan to overcome betrayal
Reflect upon things
Have a conversation with your partner
Try to forgive
Pull the plug
Be open to trusting again
Learn to trust yourself again
Take care of yourself
Betrayed spouse cycle
There is no one response (or correct response) to infidelity
What is the betrayed spouse cycle?
What are the emotional effects of discovering betrayal?
What happens in the cycle?
Desire to fix
Letting go is an essential part of the healing process
What is restoration after an affair?
How can you unify?
How does affection grow again?
What does restoration offer?
How to break the betrayed spouse cycle
Focus on expressing feelings honestly and openly
Rely on supportive friends or family members
Explore any potential underlying issues in the relationship that could have led to the affair
Engage in self-care activities
Create positive experiences together with your partner
Myths and facts about betrayal
Unhappy marriages lead to cheating
Affairs are based on sexual attraction
An attentive partner can find cues
Cheating decreases relationship sex
People cheat when they don’t get enough ….
Cheaters treat their partner poorly
Men cheat more than women
Cheating happens mostly when drunk/high
It is not an affair without sex
Talking about the affair makes it worse
The cheater prefers the affair partner
Compatibility is higher with the affair partner
Betrayals are not such a big thing: The cheated should get over it
Cheating is commonplace/rare
Managing anger and resentment
Strategies for managing anger and resentment
Allow yourself to feel the emotions
Communicate your feelings
Forgiveness as a tool for managing anger and resentment
Acknowledge your emotions
Take responsibility for your own healing
Communicate with your spouse
Seek outside support
Knowing when to walk away
Your partner will not apologize for their indiscretion
Your partner feels that one apology should fix the problem
Your partner refuses to get counseling or discuss what has happened
You have no desire to put in the work or try to work things out
People that you value most in your life are encouraging you to walk away
The unfaithful partner is still communicating with the person they cheated with and lying about doing so
You are trying to work it out for reasons other than love or the relationship
How to overcome infidelity in relationships
Things to do if you decide to walk away
Take time to heal
Identify your emotions
Seek professional help
Rebuild your self-esteem
Set realistic expectations
Build a support network
Take care of your physical health
Focus on personal growth
Find ways to relieve stress
Take it one day at a time
Remember that you are not alone
Building self-esteem after betrayal
Accept your feelings
Take responsibility for your healing
Focus on your strengths
Challenge negative self-talk
Explore your values
Seek professional help
Surround yourself with positivity
Engage in hobbies
Learn from the experience
Connect with others
Focus on the present
Respect your needs
Respecting yourself and your choices
Respect your recovering work
Respect your Spiritual work
Respect your emotional needs
Respect your physical well-being
Respect your choices
Finding your voice
Connect with yourself
Identify your needs
Practice expressing yourself
Use “I” statements
How long does it take to heal a broken heart?
Don’t push yourself
Feel the full range of your emotions
Don’t wallow in negative feelings
Give yourself time
Release your emotions
Love is limitless
There is no time limit on grief
Scars from your past experiences
Forgive your ex
Take responsibility for your mistakes and forgive yourself
If you never learn, you are doomed to repeat the same experience again
Using pain to heal
Exercise: Find the healing message in your pain
Exercise: Find the meaning of your pain
Effort to improve
How journaling eases heartbreak
It is not necessarily about you
Relationships are assignments
Change the ending
Remember, you are still whole
Focus on gratitude
Selfishness in a marriage
Signs that indicate that there is selfishness in a marriage
Consequences of selfishness in a marriage
Pushes the partner away
Makes the partner feel inferior
Disrupts the balance of marriage life
Getting rid of selfishness in marriage
Make decisions together
Do not make everything about yourself
Create a work-life balance
Relationship communication problems
A healing separation
What is a healing separation?
Establishing a healing separation
Clarify the purpose of your healing separation
Establish guidelines to your healing separation
Enjoyable time together
There is still hope for your marriage
Will a healing separation work?
How will you know when it is time to reunite?
Extras: Healing Separation Agreement and explanation
Angry Words Flush – Value $13 / R235
By Stephanie Brail
The Angry Words Flush is a very simple tool to use for yourself or clients after experiencing a fight or any sort of heavy criticism. It can also be used to clear out negative mental patterns and self-talk that may have developed after hearing angry words during childhood or at any time in the past. It can additionally help you forgive yourself for any angry words you may have spoken to another.
Even though you may work hard on your spirituality, you are only human and therefore may have moments where you engage in fights with the people you love. And of course, your clients may come to you wanting some comfort after a falling out with a friend or loved one. This energy can be extremely helpful in these situations.
Calming Flush – Value $6 / R116
By Joanna Gawn
Calming Flush has been channeled with the following intentions for all who receive either the attunement and/or the healing session (“Flush”)
~ To soothe and dissolve feelings of panic and overwhelm
~ To provide an immediate and sustained feeling of peace; for the recipient to feel calm, centered, and grounded
~ To instill feelings of confidence and positivity about oneself and one’s circumstances
~ To feel connected to Universal Energy (Source)
~ To feel supported and guided by Universal Energy (Source)
~ To provide healing of the root cause of feelings of panic, overwhelm, lost confidence, etc., at whatever pace is best for the recipient of the Attunement or Flush
Forgiveness Flush – Value $6 / R116
Forgiveness is a decision to let go of resentments and thoughts of revenge. The act that hurt or offended you might always remain a part of your life, but through self-forgiveness and the forgiveness of others this can lessen its grip on you and help you focus on other, more positive aspects of your life.
The Forgiveness Flush Empowerment on its own can help with this but it is recommended that you receive the attunements to the Acceptance Flush Empowerment and the Karmic Flush Empowerment as well which will greatly aid you in accepting these past hurts and karmic bonds, embracing them as being part of who you are so it is hoped that you can finally release them back into the universal consciousness to be transmuted into light which will bring true forgiveness back into your life.
Heartache Healer 1 – 3 – Value $55 / R989
By Mariah Windsong Couture
Heartache Healer is an energy system comprised of 3 Levels After you receive your attunements it is recommended that you activate the energies and participate consciously with a guided meditation to enhance benefits Heartache Healer energy system ‘s attunement provides you the permission and authority to call upon and activate all of the energies associated with this energy system After your attunement with strong intention to receive these energies they will arrive to you in a similar way that Reiki or other Divine energy streams do.
New Love, Light and Hope Reiki – Value $21 / R378
The energies of New Love, Light and Hope Reiki enable us to apply Divine Grace, Love, and Forgiveness to heal these aspects of ourselves that are wounded so that we can experience New Love, Light and Hope.
The energies of this system break through boundaries that block us from fully basking in the Sunlight of the Spirit.
The energies of New Love, Light and Hope Reiki helps us to forgive, let go, trust, have compassion and unconditional love for self and others. It helps to open the heart again. It brings in the powerful energy of Love for “Love Heals All Things.”
After regular use of this energy the capacity for compassion, understanding, generosity, considerateness, sensitivity, empathy, and unconditional love for self and others will greatly be enhanced and magnified.